All the small things
by Avilia
Summary: I've been pondering Anders' childhood.  This story is the result of my imaginings.  Rated M for content and themes.


_Usual disclaimer about copyright - Bioware own Anders and Thedas etc, I own Lowri and any other made up people._

_This is completely inspired by Miri1982's fanfic about Anders' childhood. If you haven't read any of Miri's writings do yourself a favour and do so! I'm an unabashed fan of her way with prose._

_Right - background to this idea is that I've mentioned my version of Anders' background as a throwaway reference a couple of times. In both cases it went no further than his saying his mother was an elf and that he was born in the Highever Alienage._

_A recent prompt on the BSN Anders fan thread got my brain percolating. Here's the result. I hope you enjoy reading it._

_Oh yes, I stole the title from Blink 182._

_. . . .  
_

"Your mother is a little, different, that's all." Anders grinned when his daughter sighed. "I know its difficult for you to understand right now, but she loves you and does her best."

"I know papa, but." Caeren didn't want to upset him, she knew Papa loved her mother and her, but, he was right, it was difficult. "That boy was only talking to me. He wasn't going to do anything.'

"No?" Privately Anders wasn't so sure. Ceri might be unpredictable but she wasn't stupid. "If it makes you feel better, I'd have done the same."

"No you wouldn't! Papa, she used a nightmare spell on him!" Her frown turned darker when he laughed. "Its not funny."

"No, no, not funny." Hilarious is what it was. Simply, hilarious. "Your mother is a little protective of you. She hasn't quite realised you're growing up."

After making a huffing noise, Caeren eyed her father. "Was your mother like that?"

"My mother?" Remembering her, Anders smiled. "No. My mother was nothing like yours. She was." He stopped, trying to think of the right word to describe his mother.

"What was she?"

He could see things of his mother in his child. Things that he took none of the credit for. Strength of will, courage, determination.

"Papa, what was she?"

"Magical."

"Your mama was a mage?" After a moment he smiled again and shook his head. "But you said."

"I said she was magical, not that she was a mage."

"What about your father?" She was surprised when his expression seemed to freeze. "Papa?"

"Papa?"

Shaking himself free of the memories Caeren's innocent question had brought to the fore, Anders shrugged. "My father was from the Anderfels."

"Oh, is that where you got your name?"

"In a way." He couldn't lie to her. "Anders isn't the name my mother gave me. Its a pet name she used to call me. To remind both of us where we were going and I think, to remind herself of my father."

"What's your real name?"

"It doesn't matter. Anders has been my name for a long time and I'm proud to bear it." She'd be curious now, wanting all the details he'd prefer not to remember. A moment later his thoughts were proven right.

"Will you tell me about her?"

"I was a child for most of it, I could only tell you what she told me. What she thought and felt."

"Will you?" He was going to refuse, Caeren knew her Papa well enough to see that. "Please?"

"I'm sorry pet, I can't. Maybe when you're older." By which time she'd have forgotten she asked. He hoped.

"I'm 14 papa, That's old enough."

"Not for this story it isn't."

He was relieved when all she did was huff and storm away. Still sensitive to being treated like a child. In this case a good thing. Anders really had little interest in telling his only child, only _daughter_, the story of his mother's life.

Caeren might have inherited some things from her grandmother but she had a fair piece of her own mother in her as well. So, she never forgot his promise to tell her.

The next time she asked him about it, they were on a ship bound for Tevinter. She wouldn't have asked him about something that obviously troubled him to remember, if not for the knowledge that her father was in desperate need of something, anything, to distract him.

"Papa?"

Why was the sun shining so brightly? It should be raining, cloudy, anything but this bright sunshine that glinted off the bright, almost white, hair of his daughter. He'd come to dread looking at her. He _would _look at her. Caeren wasn't to be punished because she reminded him too much of the love he'd lost.

"Yes pet?"

"What was your mother's name?"

Startled he answered without thinking. "Lowri."

"Mamae said she was an elf? Is that true?" Caeren saw him think about that. Whether he should answer. "Are you sorry I'm not an elf?"

Refusing to think about her mother, Anders touched Caeren's ear gently, then tugged the lobe. "My mother was Dalish." Her eyes widened in surprise. "She never let me think she was sorry I wasn't an elf." After another tug he let go. "She told me I made everything worthwhile. That's how I feel about you."

"How did she die?" Again she saw him hesitate. "Please Papa, I want to know."

"I can only tell you what she told me about the beginning. What I remember is later, after we'd left Highever and started travelling."

. . .

"It'll have to be gotten rid of."

Hearing the words, Lowri put her hand's protectively over her still small mound of her child. No. It wouldn't be got rid of. She'd gut the first man who tried to take it. Crouching she edged away from the clearing where her father was talking to the Keeper. Discussing _her_ child. Deciding what was to be done without asking _her_.

It wouldn't do.

Once she felt she was far enough away, she sat against a tree to think. What was to be done about this? Lowri knew they wouldn't listen to her. They considered her little more than a child. Well she wasn't. There was no choice but to leave. Thanking the creators she'd followed her father out of curiosity, she sighed gustily. "Goodbye."

That one word would have to suffice. She knew she couldn't risk going to back to camp, she'd have to leave with what she'd carried with her.

A bow, two daggers, a small skein of water and the gift the father of her child had given her. Pulling it out of the pouch she wore on her belt, Lowri rubbed it with her thumb, kissed it then tucked it away again. One day she'd give it to her child, for now, it was her responsibility to keep both of them safe. Touching her nose, Lowri felt a sense of loss that she'd never be able to choose her blood writing now. Never be able to join the other hunters when they left the camp to seek food, never fight to protect her people and their way of life.

After a quick look around to fix her bearings, she hitched her bow and started walking.

It would have to be the flat ears in the human town. Highever she'd heard it called. Without blood writing she should be able to fit in with them. At least until her child was born.

Once they could travel, she would leave again. To find her child's father.

Squinting she looked in the direction she thought that would take her. North. To the Anderfels. A long journey. Patting her baby she nodded to herself. They'd make it.

It wasn't a long walk to Highever and certainly not difficult for someone used to much harsher conditions. Lowri kept well off the shem highway but followed its path. There was no value in drawing unnecessary attention to herself.

Even with the circumstances she felt a thrill of excitement. She'd wanted to see the shem city since she was young, the shem city and the flat ears who lived there. The Keeper had told her stories about them, how they lived and served the humans. How they really weren't elves any longer.

Lowri had always thought that was a bit harsh. It wasn't their fault they were born in the city. She'd only said that once however, the Keeper had told her father and he'd made her clear the fire pits for weeks as punishment.

She knew she'd never punish her child for speaking its mind. She was going to _encourage _it to do so. Encourage it to think for itself and question everything. Everything. Even the things she told it.

"It." She didn't like that. Calling her child 'it'. Without knowing the sex what else _could _she call it?

Thinking about that absorbed her mind for a greater part of the journey to Highever. All the pet names she thought of sounded silly. What if it was a boy? She couldn't call her boy child 'bubby'. That made her laugh a little, 'bubby', like a puppy.

"Your papa is from the Anderfels, pet. Did you know that?" It didn't, not yet, but it would, she'd make sure of that.

"Anders!" Of course, it was perfect. What better pet name for someone who's father was Anders than Anders? "We'll give you a real name when you're born. For now you can be Anders."

Lowri took it as a sign from the Creators when the baby kicked her for the first time, right after she'd said it.

. . .

Naturally cautious, Lowri watched the gates for a day before trying to enter. It didn't take her long to notice none of the elves that came and went were armed. All dressed in tattered clothing, almost rags, and giving the impression of having no spirit.

The guards were shemlen, no surprise in that, and seemed to want to keep the flat ears inside the Alienage.

She remembered the Keeper telling her that the shemlen cities had been conquered by another shemlen power. Orlais? Yes, that was right, Orlais. They'd only recently started retaking their lands. Meaning the guards might be even more cautious with strangers.

Touching her armour, Lowri nodded. She would have to find something else to wear and a safe place to hide her weapons. Once it was dark, she'd try some of the outlying shem dwellings and see what they had.

She didn't think the guards would try to stop her going in. What could be more innocent than a woman carrying a child wanting to visit her family? If her luck held they wouldn't ask for names or any details.

It seemed the Creators _were _smiling on her. To her relief, Lowri found a basket of clothing that had been left inside a small dwelling of some kind. Or perhaps not a dwelling as it only contained what looked like animal troughs and a large thing with a wheels. Giving it a wide berth she crouched beside the basket. Buried under a few garments she didn't recognise was a small dress. Possibly for a shem child it looked large enough to fit her and her expanding baby.

Tucking her prize under one arm she ran lightly across the open field and back into the shelter of the trees.

It was a few moments work to remove her armour and drop the dress over her head. A little long, it brushed the ground, covering her boots nicely. Now to find somewhere to hide her weapons.

It took most of the night before she finally found a hollowed tree with a space well off the ground. A few jumps and she had them hidden.

Now to sleep before facing the shem guards in the morning.

. . .

Lowri had taken careful notice of the guard's movements the day before. They stayed together most of the time, except for three breaks during the day. She assumed they took turns eating their meals. Deciding it would be easier to convince a lone shem rather than two, she waited for one to leave before approaching the gate. A bit of thought as she walked towards him and she decided she knew the correct thing to say to him.

"Morning ser." Creator's curse him. After staring at her he held his hand up.

"Show me your pass."

"My pass? Why do I need a pass?" Whatever this pass was. It seemed to be something she was supposed to recognise. "I'm visiting my family." Patting her stomach she tried a smile. "I have a baby coming."

"I see that. Now give me your pass."

"The other guard didn't ask for a pass when I came out." The shem's eyes narrowed. "He waved me past."

"I don't believe you knife ears and I don't like being lied to."

"Knife ears!" Lowri took a step closer, fists clenched. "Don't you dare speak to me like that."

"I'll speak to you in any fashion I chose. Now why don't you back away and go back to where ever it is you came from?"

"Let her in."

Lowri and the guard both turned. They'd been so involved in their argument, neither had noticed the man on horseback approaching them.

About to send the man on his way with a few choice words, the guard was thankful he took the time to look at him properly. "My Lord."

"Let her in."

"But ser."

"What is it you think this young woman is going to do? Agitate the elves into a riot? Show a little compassion man, she's with child. Or did that escape your notice?"

"No ser, but I haven't seen her before now."

"Let her in, I'll take full responsibility if your Commander questions you."

Lowri nodded when the guard waved her towards the gates. "Thank you, ser." The man on the horse smiled and nodded in reply. He had rather a charming smile. "Might I know who I'm thanking?" She heard the guard gasp but ignored that.

"A fair question from a fair lady." Dipping as much of a bow as he was able to on a horse, he smiled at her again. "Bryce Cousland at your service my lady."

"Thank you Bryce Cousland. I won't forget your kindness and I'll tell my babe of it as well." She frowned when he held something out to her. "What's that?"

"Take it. You'll find it useful I think." When she moved Bryce saw her boots. A quick glance at the guard and he could see only he had noticed. "Don't let anyone take all of it off you. A room should only cost you a few silvers. This is worth 100 silvers. Don't forget." If she was careful a gold coin should keep her safe for a while. He'd hate to see another young woman driven to desperate measures to support herself and her child. There'd been enough of that during the occupation.

"I won't. Thank you again." With that she nodded in farewell, lifted her nose at the guard and marched inside the gates for her first look at an Alienage.


End file.
